Good, good, happy news

April 18, 2010 at 1:14 pm (Life) (, , , , )

Good news: through a bit of tracking down, and searching, I found out I had one more refill on both of my meds. AND through an odd loop-hole, I was able to get them filled at the university’s pharmacy, which DOESN’T try to turn a profit. I paid the same for both of my meds as I would have for the cheapest one at Walgreens.

So yeah, good things. Going to celebrate my happiness by listening to ABBA all day at work 🙂

This is STILL one of my favorite quotes. It was said by my friend Hope after we went to see Mamma Mia and sat with some other friends.

“I’m sorry. When I said Jeremy liked ABBA, I didn’t know I meant he knows every word to every song.”

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“It’s 3 AM, I must be lonely”

April 15, 2010 at 4:08 am (Life) (, , , , , )

It turns out that the 24 hour Emergency Crisis facility at the Mental Health Department only does hospitalization at 2:45 AM. There are no therapists or counselors there at that time. The security guard said, “How ya doin?” when I walked in and I barked a laugh in his face. “If I was well, would I be here at almost 3 in the morning?” Anyway, they sent me home, saying to come back at 8 AM for the walk-in clinic.

So I did what any normal person with mental illness would do…I came home and mowed the front yard. By the light of the street lamps. At 3 AM. Twice. That first time around just didn’t seem to get it all. I then spent 10 minutes staring at the yard across the street (Eddie’s), debating on whether or not I should mow it. I finally chose not to because it was bumpier than I wanted to deal with. I then drank about 32 oz. of orange juice.

People…….I’m not so sure I’m very stable.

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A Fine Line

January 3, 2009 at 2:44 pm (Life) (, , , , , )

My dosage of Prozac was recently raised to 40 mg and then to 60 mg. Without the medicine, I cannot function in daily life. With the meds, something else happens, though: numbness.

Off my meds, I feel everything. At such a high dosage, I feel nothing. There’s a fine line between the two and I haven’t found it.

Yesterday, Jill and I watched Will Smith’s “Seven Pounds.” I thought it was a great movie and really enjoyed it…but. But everyone in the theater was crying at parts, except me. I could hear sniffling all over the place, but I was emotionless. Jill kept saying, “Don’t judge me,” when in reality, I was judging myself.

I kept thinking, “You know, normally you’d be crying along with everyone else.” That’s what was so disconcerting: I knew I should be upset but it never came.

I’ll be the first to admit, I’m a crier. Not a town crier, mind you, just a movie crier. I saw “Moulin Rouge!” six times in the theater and never once had dry eyes when Satine dies in Christian’s arms. That goes for all the times I’ve seen it on DVD, too. The movie “In America?” Good gosh! I was sobbing in the theater! When she says, “He was our brother, too!” I lost it. I still do. I lose it even more when she says, “Say goodbye to Frankie, Dad.” Sometimes in the past, just talking about that scene would get to me. Now? Nothing.

Yesterday I sat in the theater feeling nothing but sadness at my lack of feeling. My numbness was something tangible, something I could physically feel. It’s upsetting to have an intellectual understanding that something should be affecting you, but isn’t. If I wasn’t on my meds, that knowledge might bring a tear to my eye. 🙂

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Talking to Allison, but You Can Read it Too

December 4, 2008 at 5:11 pm (Life) (, , )

This originally started as a blog comment response to Allison, but I realized it showed a lot about me and I should post it as a blog entry instead.

The more I think about it, for me it isn’t so much the self-esteem problems that I used to have in my past. I think when my depression takes such a gripping hold on me like it has now with the change into winter, I am quick to write it off as low self-esteem. For years, that was a huge part of my depression and it was easy to say it caused the depression. In reality, my depression is a disease that sometime affects my self-esteem, but not always. Currently, I’m not doing too badly when it comes to “Jeremy.”

That’s what sucks so much about clinical depression: nothing about it is logical. Maybe that’s why I focus so much on fighting to find logic in the rest of my lift. I’m trying to compensate for the lack of it in my sickness?

I have dysthymia.
The Harvard Medical School website has this to say about dysthymia:

“The Greek word dysthymia means “bad state of mind” or “ill humor.” As one of the two chief forms of clinical depression, it usually has fewer or less serious symptoms than major depression but lasts longer. The American Psychiatric Association defines dysthymia as depressed mood most of the time for at least two years, along with at least two of the following symptoms: poor appetite or overeating; insomnia or excessive sleep; low energy or fatigue; low self-esteem; poor concentration or indecisiveness; and hopelessness.”

“Dysthymia and major depression naturally have many symptoms in common, including depressed mood, disturbed sleep, low energy, and poor concentration. There are also parallel symptoms: poor appetite, low self-esteem, and hopelessness in dysthymia, corresponding to the more severe symptoms of weight change, excessive guilt, and thoughts of death or suicide in major depression.”

“Dysthymia is a serious disorder. It is not “minor” depression, and it is not a condition intermediate between severe clinical depression and depression in the casual colloquial sense. In some cases it is more disabling than major depression.”

Though I am not a medical expert, I have lived with dysthymia for close to 20 years, and I define it as “feeling emotionally shitty all the time and have no explanation as to why.” 🙂

For further reading:

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