can’t

February 20, 2010 at 4:01 pm (Life)

I haven’t crocheted in 2 days. I haven’t written anything in weeks. Even my post on my craft blog is sad and depressing. I have trouble sleeping, I eat only once a day, and that’s because I make myself, not because I’m hungry. I have to mentally strong-arm myself into doing things. “Okay, you made coffee, that’s good. But you have to do TWO productive things today. Now pick something else. NOW!”

I’m hyper-irritable, I wring my hands, I slouch to the point that I fee like I’ve melted, I’m having bad dreams. Overall, I just don’t give a frig.


UPDATE: I just spent 10 minutes trimming, grooming my mustache…so that’s good. It means I’m doing something productive. Plus, that may have been Productive Thing Three, actually!

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not too pretty

February 20, 2010 at 1:51 am (Life)

I turned an ugly corner today. Those of you who suffer from depression, you’ll understand. I’ve been off my meds for a couple months now and had been fine. Today I felt my dysthymia return. It’s almost a tangible thing. As far as my body and mind are concerned, it IS tangible. I can physically feel the difference and there are certain tics that accompany my disorder, for me anyway. I feel it in my face and most notably in my hands, where the tic happens (lovingly called “psychomotor agitation” in the biz). It may sound odd, but I’ve lived with dysthymia since around 1992 (probably much earlier, actually), so I quickly and easily recognize its symptoms.

To my roommate, I passed it off as being affected by the movie we saw today (Shutter Island). Not that I wasn’t affected by it, but that’s not the problem. It was just easier than saying, “I’m depressed.” That word gets thrown around probably more than “love” and is even less understood by those who don’t have it than love is. Clinical depression has little to do with sadness. I’m not sad right now. I can quickly list a thousand things that make me happy, Judith being at the top, but a logical mind has no place in dealing with a mental disorder.

I went to a party tonight and drove by the house, wanting to just go back home. I actually circled the neighborhood and FORCED myself to go in. Did I think I wouldn’t enjoy the party? No. Did I think I would be bored? No. I just didn’t care. I just didn’t want to be there. Yesterday (in reality, it comes on like a tide, not all at once like a bucket of water) I woke up and didn’t get out of bed for an hour. Seriously, I laid in bed for an entire hour before I forced myself to get up…no exaggeration.

I know what triggered this setback, but, unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do about those circumstances at the time being. It’s funny, in the past, my setbacks were mostly triggered by troubles having to do with the girls in my life, the relationship I was in or had left. This time it has nothing to do with that. Judith is one of the greatest things to ever happen to me and I’m lucky to have found her. I’m very happy with her and I’m very excited to move to Brooklyn this summer. …but again, those are rational thoughts, which have no place in depression. I can’t think my way out of feelings.

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Sony Reader–True Story

February 18, 2010 at 4:00 am (Life)

For some reason, when I plug my Sony eReader into my roommate’s computer via USB, it doesn’t always show up. Usually I just have to unplug/replug it, and there it is.  Currently, however, it won’t show up at all tonight.  Zip, zilch.   Again, this ONLY has ever happened on my roommate’s computer. Why is this odd? you ask. My Sony eReader won’t show up on her…wait for it…Sony Vaio.

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